One look told me something was wrong. The tank on the new toilet I had just installed slanted forward — a sympathetic porcelain homage to the leaning Tower of Pisa.

After two more attempts, I finally realized the problem. The bottom of the tank was warped. So armed with the receipt, I headed back to the cavernous home improvement store where I had bought it.

Amanda, the customer service rep at the returns line asks, “Sir, has there been water in the tank?”

“Yes. I filled it to check for leaks.”

“Then I'm sorry. We can't take it back. The State of Massachusetts won't let us. Since there has been water in the tank, it's now hazardous material and we can't handle it. There is nothing we can do about it.”

“I bought it here. I paid your store $150 for a defective tank and you're telling me I'm stuck with it?”

“Sorry, but we can't touch it,” she says sympathetically, but firmly. “There is nothing we can do. The State won't let us.”

“And all I need is a replacement.”

“We can't give you a replacement because we cannot accept the return. The State…”

I appealed to Amanda's supervisor. Same story. I escalated it to Brandon, the store's Night Manager. Same story.

“There is nothing we can do,” and like the others, he blamed the State for my problem.

Asking Brandon to see things from my perspective, he finally said, “Well, you can call the manufacturer. But it's up to them to decide what to do.”

Monday morning, I called the manufacturer. A few voice prompts later, a live person answered cheerily. Although she couldn't help, the technical support person she put on the call did. After mentioning the tank was warped, Andy immediately asked, “What's your address, so I can mail you a form to process a credit?”

“Mail it? Could you just email it? Or fax it?”

“No. But I could overnight it to you.”

{sidebar id=14 align=left} It must be pretty important. The next morning, Andy's envelope arrives, with a one-page form letter inside. Our company “constantly strives to delight our customers,” it began. “Therefore we were very concerned to discover this was not your experience.”

Me too. So why do you make me call you? What could Andy possibly learn over the phone that Amanda couldn't see for herself?

The punch line was buried in the third paragraph: “Return your product to your place of purchase with a copy of this letter attached” and at the very bottom it tells the retailer to “dispose of this product.”

Fearing I might be the victim of a corporate Catch-22, I anxiously drove back to the home improvement center, rehearsing my speech, letter firmly clenched in hand. This time Zach is manning the returns.

“Toilet tank? No problem!”

Dismayed by this response, I called his attention to my precious letter from the manufacturer that I had dutifully obtained. “Heck, I don't need that. It's just a tank, which isn't hazardous waste. Now, if it were the toilet bowl, then there is nothing I could do about it, because the state government says...”

Why did this experience get my blood boiling? 

1. “There is nothing we can do.” That's abandonment.

2. “The government won't let us help you.” That's blame.

3. “You need to contact the manufacturer directly.” Abandonment again.

4. “We don't have email or FAX. But I can overnight it to you.” That's expensive and slow.

5. “Return your product to your place of purchase.” Isn't that what I did in the first place?

As the “Disservice” poster at www.despair.com presciently proclaims, “It can take months to find a customer, but only seconds to lose one… The good news is that we should run out of them in no time.”

How can you make sure your company doesn't run out of customers? At Glance Networks here in Arlington, we stand by five simple rules that can help just about any organization:

1. Never tell a customer, “I can't help.”

2. Never blame someone else for not being able to help. Turn a bad incident into a warm memory by becoming your customer's advocate.

3. Send bits whenever possible, not paper. Bits are faster. And cheaper.

4. Train. Brandon (and Amanda) should have known what Zach knew.

5. Empower your employees to just “do the right thing.” Correct problems immediately; clean up the mess later.

The new tank from Zach was straight and true. But for my next big purchase, I think I'll be heading to that other big home improvement center just down the road.