I had an errant thought this morning, “How would your sales team function if Barack Obama was VP of Sales for your company? What would his sales incentive policy look like?” Well, I took a shot at it….

The Obama Sales Compensation Policy

Bylaw 1: The top 10% of salespeople exceeding quota and making more than $250,000 must donate 50% of their earnings over that amount to the bottom 40% of salespeople not achieving their quota which is protected under the Equal Commissions Opportunity Act or if you’re green (with envy) The ECO Act.

Bylaw 2: Salespeople not achieving their quota may borrow ‘sales credits’ (Other People’s Profits – OPP) to make up the difference from the newly created Department of Sales Credits (DSC). The credits are to be paid back only if and when you start performing; otherwise the credits will be resold to other unsuspecting companies in ‘tranches’.

Bylaw 3: All incentives will be capped at an appropriately level to be determined by a new oversight and regulation committee on Fair Sales Earnings (FSE) policies.

Bylaw 4: Customers who can’t afford to buy your products but show interest may apply for a low interest, sub-prime loan; no background check required as to avoid any invasion of privacy. The 401k holdings of the top 10% of sales performers will be used to guarantee these loans. Only salespeople whose quotas are at 40% or less in terms of performance may apply for these loans. No down payment is required by the customer; credit score considerations are optional.

Bylaw 5: Client Entertainment: When entertaining a client, including CEOs, Presidents and VPs, they will be required to pay for their own lunch or dinner. The top 10% of salespeople are not allowed to purchase amenities of any kind for their clients as it would put the bottom 40% at a disadvantage. All deviations from this policy must be submitted in writing (triplicate) to the Federal Bureau of Incentives (FBI) for board reviews held every 6 months or once a year.

Bylaw 6: “No Salesperson Left Behind” will focus on training salespeople who are performing below expectations. The cost of the program will be paid by funds generated from salespeople exceeding their quota. (See Bylaw 1)

Bylaw 7: Mileage allowances for company owned cars will be reduced by 3%. You can offset the cost by keeping your tires at the correct pressure throughout the changing seasons. Gauges will be provided free of charge ONLY to Low Income Sales Earners.

Finally, if you have any complaints as an under-performing salesperson,…

Bylaw 8: Salespeople will be allowed to form a union to protect those who aren’t achieving their fair share of the quota and risk losing their jobs. No salesperson shall be terminated for lack of performance or other mitigating factors such as: sales call reluctance, poor presentation skills, weak closing tactics et al. Please contact the United Salespeople of America-1984 (USA-1984) guild for further questions or if you feel (proof is optional) your sales rights are being violated by the top sales performers.

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Note to Democrats: Now, before you get all mad at me...take a deep breath and think back to a time when you had a sense of humor!